I have a little bit of a lot of a tendency to occasionally sink into obsessive online shopping. Like, if, for instance, I needed a new blender, I could spend literally hours reading reviews and driving myself mad comparison pricing.
I get that this is not necessarily a bad thing, but I'm thinking that for me it a lot about the security that "stuff" brings, and with better stuff, better security. Gotta love the illusion of stuff bringing happiness, filling in the empty holes in our being. Ever since high school where I spent hours upon hours debating philosophy and the most burning questions in life, it's been a fairly obvious point in my head. Yet it has never translated to any ability to control this tendency, whatsoever. Stressed? What do I need from amazon? Lonely? Lets see if anthropologie is having a sale. Frustrated? I hear they're coming out with a fabulous new stroller that will just change the way you parent. I MUST check it out. And so it goes.
Except lately, we took a vacation from life, at a family camp. It was a break from all the routines, all the pitfalls of shadowy illusory satisfaction, and it felt good. Coming back, I feel a bit more self-aware. Just a bit. Enough to at least see the behavior clearly for what it is. The tricky part here is that sometimes we do need stuff, and thats where it all gets murky. Is the pleasure I get from getting stuff we actually need a part of the problem, or entirely harmless? It reminds me of when i struggled with eating issues; the fact remained that food was simply always going to be a fixture of life, and I had to find a way to live in peace with it.
There is no simple happy ending in either of these cases, just a sense that I need to remain vigilant and aware, and that life is a constant, constant practice - and like my seventh grade teacher once said, if youre not moving forward, you're moving backward. Eyes open eyes open eyes open. Or else those shadowy illusions that this new pair of shoes or this chocolate bar will fix your discomfort, will sneak up on you. How terrifying to be in the discomfort, but how ultimately necessary and good. Soldier on.
