the f-word

I was trying to describe a woman in our neighborhood to my 8 yr old daughter.

"she is somewhat older than me, light colored hair, and somewhat fat" I said.
"fat?!" she responded, "you said the f-word!"

I explained that fat is not exactly a bad word, it is just an adjective, although it is loaded with negative associations in american culture. I wasn't really sure how to convey the complexity of feelings that arise in many women when they hear the word, but I simply could not think of any other way to describe this woman to my 8 yr old that she would recognize. so I let the topic go, and moved on.

today, as we walked together in the sunshine, she broached the subject again. "ima, what is the f-word?" I was a little taken aback, as my 5 yr old was walking with us.  ive generally always had the policy to answer any question the kids ask me honestly and simply, and aim to give them exactly as much information as they were asking for. the idea being that when they're ready to tackle another aspect of the issue, they come to me with a further question. (this is the way, in bits and pieces, my 15 yr old acquired much of her information early in life.) the complication here was that my 5yr old did NOT ask me what the f-word is, and therefore likely did not have a brain compartment for that info quite yet.

so i said to her, hang on, i will answer your question in a few minutes. she and my 5 yr old drew their heads together as they walked, and took turns guessing what f-word could possibly be considered so extremely rude... they could not seem to think of anything adequately angry. "is it feminism?" my 8 yr old wondered.

i waited till my 15 yr old, who was walking ahead, took the 5 yr old's hand and walked ahead with him, and then i leaned down & whispered in my 8 yr old's ear that this word is considered extremely impolite. i proceeded to tell her the word, and then spell it for her upon request. she said, ima, im just warning you, sometime when im really angry at you, i MIGHT say that word to you. i said its really not a word that kids use in general, but there are a lot of angry words that kids do use.

the fact that "fat" and "feminism" were her first two running guesses was kind of wild to me. it is so fucking hard to grow up as a girl in this culture, that an 8 yr old (and a fairly sheltered, homeschooled one at that) guessed these two words might be the pinnacle of inappropriate. is being fat so uncomfortable in our society that we can't treat the word as a simple adjective ever? granted that she's observed her 15 yr old, feminist-identifying sister take some flak for her stances, so i can see why she might wonder if feminism is always an anger inducing concept.

maybe (probably) im reading too much into my daughter's random guesses. im just hoping (praying) that i haven't created an 8 yr old monster who will surprise the crunchy homeschool mamas & papas at our next gathering.  24 hours in, no sign of it yet. but i'll keep you posted on that one. sometimes following through on an educational theory is scary stuff. maybe not feminism-scary, but you know, really, fucking scary.