baby guru

I have an almost 18 month old in my life, for the sixth time. In some ways, it is repetitive enough that I just do it on complete auto mode: mirror their feelings when I'm feeling like a good mama, help them verbalize and own them, wipe up their ridiculously messy high chair trays, read them Sandra Boynton 32 times in a row, tolerate their frustrated tantrums, cuddle, repeat.

Yet it is nearly 18 years since I first had an 18 month old, and lord, the world has CHANGED. So, this is what happens pretty much nightly now: I put her in her crib and lay down on the bed nearby, and stick my hand between the slats so she can cuddle holding my hand as she drifts off, as she likes to do. So far, pretty much the same as the other 5. But this one, this baby that felt the vibration and buzz of a cellphone in my pocket in utero and every day afterwards, she is just DONE with all that come bedtime. In my other hand, I like to hold my phone and catch up on emails or whatever. She is not having any of that though, thank you VERY much. She screams bloody murder if I break eye contact with her and glance at my phone. She is literally forcing me to be present and pay actual, unadulterated, perfect attention to her as she drifts out of consciousness. She does not want to look at my face and see it staring at the phone, my expression shifting in tiny ways as I react to whatever I am reading...she wants full, calm, and undistracted presence, and will accept nothing less. This is the only time of day where she seems to have an opinion on the issue. 

I honestly find this absolutely fascinating. It feels like she is a more evolved iteration of myself, saying to me ffs, ENOUGH already - just be here. It kind of gives me hope for the next generation. I know people worry a lot about the downhill slide into screen-y life. But I really think our generation, the one that grew up without and has to adult (somehow) with, we are the ones that can't seem to find a balance that feels ok. I really believe that our kids, that grow up immersed in it, intuitively will find their balance, because their very development was in the presence of this thing, and so their entire being rejects being swallowed up whole by it. SO that is my optimistic read of the future of humanity. Because my 18 month old baby is totally my mindfulness guru.