a letter unopened

had the most disturbing dream last night - I was about to die of herpes (?) and I was trying to figure out how to make sure my kids would be ok & remember me, and I was frantic, running around the hallways of our old house, holding the baby.

I only had a few hours left, and death was looming in a very real and terrifying way. I could sense that I would know nothing more at all once I died. it was the most incredibly alone feeling I can imagine. Then I guess it was too much stress for my poor little psyche to bear, because dream-me glimpsed the end of the book (?) and it said I wouldn't die until October 2002, and presumably in my dream it was well before that date. huge gush of relief.

as the talmud says, "a dream uninterpreted is like a letter unopened." i think besides the obvious fear of death that is in this dream, it also speaks to the fear of upcoming changes in my life. of which there are likely to be quite a few in the next 8-10 months. sigh. sometimes im dizzyingly jealous of the supremely chilled out zen souls that walk among us.

anyway, i woke up all discombobulated from the dream. had an actually glorious day at a large city park with my in-laws and kids, and came home mid-afternoon, utterly wiped. you know, bone tired, with not one single ounce of energy or patience.

my 8 yr old, staying up the latest of the younger kids, bore the brunt. I essentially barked at her to get off the computer, take a shower, not read emails over my shoulder, respect my privacy, GET INTO BED. she countered, in her usual way, with an argument for every single thing i said: why should she respect my privacy when i dont respect hers - ive seen her tushy, so obviously i don't. why should she shower when i tell her to, she doesnt tell me when to shower. she even used the word "impudent" in describing my behavior. that one was hard not to laugh at. clearly i dont care about her in the slightest, and the obvious conclusion is that i am not her real mother, but a fake impostor.

she went to bed determined to find out who her real mother is. i mostly just tried not to keep yelling. her behavior seemed to be mostly about protecting her self and also about protecting her concept of "mother" because it is simpler and safer that way. i realize that, being 8, she wasn't truly under any illusions about my identity, but I think it was her way of communicating how hurtful my gruffness was to her, and how she wanted her mother back.

i'm thinking that maybe in response to my dream, i was pushing off my mother role a little bit unconsciously. trying to find a peace with the very deep tension of being so deeply needed, and yet so vulnerable. not that i need a super deep psychoanalytic reason to explain a tired mom being impatient with her children - but i feel like there is an ironic connection to the beginning and end of my day. and i didnt want to leave that letter completely sealed shut.