abort mission

so I gingerly posted a comment on a controversial (at least in my small circles) blog post yesterday.

I immediately got slammed by the author of the blog, and literally agonized for roughly 24 hours, composing back & forth comments where I attempted to justify my existence as a human being. I realized in the end that considering the aggressiveness of the blogger, all attempts were essentially futile and I should (coached by my sister) let it go.

it reminded me of when my 15 yr old was a toddler and me & my sister took her to a park - she would wander a little away from me, exploring, and then realize I was not immediately near by. and she would locate me, fix her gaze, and turn right around to get "home" - my sister would narrate this: "abort mission! return to mothership!" today i heard my sister's voice echoing in my head: "abort mission! you've had enough."

and yet it gripped me; because the blogger and his readership are people whose opinion once mattered to me tremendously, I felt thrust back in time 15 years. I had a massive tension headache the entire 24 hours that 6 anvils couldn't make a dent in. I barely slept and was consequently irritable with my kids. I yelled at them and generally was a severely bad homeschool mama all day long, obsessively checking the blog comments. I was glued to my phone, literally glued, and could barely tear my eyes away to even see the little people clamoring for my attention. it was miserable and when it ended, I apologized to each of them for being so completely absent and simultaneously terrifying all day long.

it made me wonder - how do working mamas, that need to keep their bosses or clients happy, stay present and calm when with their children? I have a feeling I would be fairly lousy at that particular life skill. damn good thing i'm homeschooling. lord protect my children from my anxious, jittery, thin-skinned self the day that changes.